Finding Joy: Reaching Out

Hello, my name is Joy. My mother was under the care of Unity Hospice for the last two months of her life. The care and comfort they provided her, and the strength I derived from her being in their loving hands, is something for which I will be forever grateful. I had the opportunity to express my gratitude in a testimonial which now resides on the Unity website.

I reside in California, but I am a proud Wisconsin native. A huge chunk of my heart will always live in America’s Dairyland. In the past four years, I have experienced the loss of my brother, my husband, and my mother. I have felt the deep pain of losing each of them and faced many days when I thought the darkness would never lift. No one can ever replace these beloved people, but I have learned that grief does not mean that my life is over. I have worked very hard (and still am) to get stronger and find ways to replace the darkness with light. I want to use this blog to share with you what I have learned, in the hope that it will uplift you and most of all, help you find joy.

Reaching Out

When my husband suddenly passed away, his leaving me created a terrifying aloneness. He was the person I spent most of my time with, sharing a myriad of activities, from travel, to concerts and art shows, to walks in the park, to coffee together at a cafe. He was my best friend. I soon realized that I would have to reach out to others so that I would not tumble into isolation and depression. I needed to hear the voices and be in the company of caring human beings.

We all have “old friends” who have known us for a long time and who will check in and spend time with us, as we grieve and transition to a new chapter of our lives. In my case, I have several long-time friends, and they care about me deeply. But I also know that they have very busy lives. The last thing I wanted to do was ask for too much of their time. So, I knew I had to reach out and broaden my circle of friends.

I took a deep breath and searched for the phone numbers and email addresses of people I knew casually, and who I thought might be willing to simply chat, meet for coffee or tea, or take a neighborhood walk. I was amazed at how quickly they said “YES!” As soon as I told them about losing my husband, they were eager to give me support and the pleasure of their company.

The people who form my new group of friends are very diverse, with backgrounds, experiences, and personalities very different from mine. But that is precisely what makes these friendships so powerful – they bring me comfort and guidance from new perspectives and insights, which helps me think more clearly and carefully about the choices I make as I learn to live solo. They also assure me that I am “doing a great job” on days that I feel I am failing miserably. They are like cheerleaders who are always in my corner, complete with pom poms and unstoppable spirit.

The people who form my new group of friends are very diverse, with backgrounds, experiences, and personalities very different from mine. But that is precisely what makes these friendships so powerful

I now have weekly walking dates with two new friends, have discovered the joys of birdwatching with another friend, FaceTime once a week with someone else, and participate in a weekly online devotional with a group of inspiring women. We share bits and pieces of our lives, and have discovered that we have lots in common as we face daily struggles, challenges, and in my case, being “alone.” Our religious and spiritual beliefs vary, but when we pray together we feel united in our love and caring for each other, coming through Zoom. I always get the sense that they need me, as much as I need them.

Since my grief comes and goes in waves throughout the day, I never know when I will need to talk to one of my friends. For that reason, I made sure I found out who are the “early birds” and who are the “night owls.” One friend told me that she takes her cell phone to bed with her and that I could call her anytime, 24 hours a day; I found out the usual bedtime of my other friends, and will not call them past that time, but there is usually always someone I can reach if I need to. And, of course, with the popularity of texting on our cell phones, I comply with those who prefer texting as their way to stay in touch. It took a while, but I am getting used to hearing the “ping” of a friendly “voice.” And for that, I am grateful.

Each of these friends is like a thread that, when woven together, forms a comforting blanket of love and support.

I understand that you may not be ready to reach out to people whom you do not know well. Perhaps, unlike me, you have a large immediate or extended family, and they are giving you the human contact that you need. But I am quite sure they would encourage you to seek the friendship and support of as many people as you can find, as they all have special gifts to give as you go through grief. And, remember, you will be giving them a gift too: the gift of yourself.

Recognizing that every person grieves and heals in their own way, Unity Grief and Education Center offers a wide variety of services to anyone who has experienced a death. Generous donations allow Unity to offer compassionate grief support at no charge. Please visit the Unity Grief and Education Center website or call 920-339-6700 to speak with a Grief Counselor.

Each of these friends is like a thread that, when woven together, forms a comforting blanket of love and support.

This blog post was shared by Joy R., whose mother was under the care of Unity Hospice for the last two months of her life.

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